I Need to Say Goodbye

It was a forced encounter through employment. You were merely an escort I was required to have. You made me nervous. Even just seeing you across the floor, or knowing you were working made me nervous. You called me intimidating, but I was the one intimidated. Our conversations were awkward at the very least. All of our encounters happened on the floor during an escort, or in the hallway waiting on clearance from surveillance.

Next thing I know, I find you sitting across from me at a small table during lunch. Small talk, not as forced, but probably noticably nervous in your presense. Why? To this day I am still unsure, but your presense still makes my soul stir.

Moving forward from the one lunch encounter, it turned into routine group lunches with our eclectic group of friends. Trying to catch each other during small breaks, waiting at the picnic table for me to come out at the end of my shift. These encounters grew to all of us meeting at the bar, usually once a week. It also led to a colossal failed hike with two other friends, and then just you and I hiking. We learned about each other, more by me prying than you just sharing, but I think you wanted me to want to know.

You always said you respected the fact I was married, even though I would watch you openly flirt with another married woman. So why was it different? Everyone said you and I had an odd relationship. You and I even spoke and agreed there was some sort of connection, neither one of us really able to wrap our heads around.

Times were great, bonfires, hiking , shooting pool, eating the corner pieces of my pizza, breakfast at grandma’s, shooting pool, lunchtime at the picnic table with the crew. Then I found out I was going to be moving out of state. Good times were still had, tears on my end were shed knowing that I would be losing my friends, and not seeing you atleast five days a week was very sad for me. You came in on your day off and made me a New York strip steak for our last lunch. I fought tears all night, I would leave, you would be gone and my heart broke.

I quit work but we were still able to hang out until I moved. You were always there, you helped me move my daughter and her family, you came to the house to help load the U-Haul when we loaded up to finally move. After I moved, everyone slowly broke up. All of you stopped hanging at lunch, no more Farkle days, no more breakfast at grandma’s. . .no more of any of it. More people from the group left work and went on to new jobs, a few of them would message me without prompting to check in for the next few weeks. You, I chatted with you everyday; even if it was to just play a game, or to say hi, or if you sent me drunk messages, or pictures of what you were cooking. You held on the longest. Now months have past and like others you have started slipping away. I am trying to be okay.

I always questioned if the feelings hidden in our friendship was just convoluted on my part, and it was all made up and created in my minds eye. I have always been upfront and as honest as I could be with you on how I was feeling about us. You never conclusively said anything. You never shied away from my openness, but you never admitted any of your own feelings. Maybe you did, maybe not as forthcoming, but I want to believe you did. You always made sure I knew you were there, you always did things to make me laugh when you thought I needed it, you always knew when you drove me crazy, almost trying to make me jealous. You told me you went hiking with me because you didnt want me to go alone, even though I had went hiking by myself many times before I knew you. You showed up, you made me a steak, one of a few meals you brought to me at work, but the steak you made for my last day. The other two in our group didnt get steaks on thier last day and they also were your friends.

I am coming home this weekend and I am arguing with myself as to let you know or not. I feel you pulling away and maybe you need to for self preservation, maybe I should have a long time ago. I always want to believe that you did infact love me and our relationship was hard, but forever cherished and that me leaving was hard on you just as it was me. I wish you could have just told me. I cant mentally afford to keep patching my soul together when it comes to us. I need to completely let you go. . . I need to let us go. I fell in love with your soul, your eyes, your smile, your friendship. I fell in love with you.