Arms Length

The silence, yet deafening, speaks volumes. I know, I know, its a cliche’, but damn my life if it is not so true. My OCD drives me to check my email, and messenger CONSTANTLY, to see if you responded, to see if you are online. And who am I fooling but myself? You never cared. I was delusional and created a bunch of shit in my head. And I mean why? Who are you?

Wait, I know who you are. You are that aspiring nerd, going know where, closing himself off to any form of meaningful communication, or true feelings from anyone, afraid to be hurt. You have convinced yourself you need nothing else to make you happy besides you.

I feel for you for having to deal with so much tragic loss in your life, and what you sacrificed for the people you loved, just to watch them all leave. We all have experienced loss of some sort or another. Life is not life without loss. Its the way the world turns. I lost my kids due to losing myself. It was a struggle coming back, and hell some days I am still not back, but I keep moving, I keep feeling, I keep living.

You have decided to exist. Sad really. You have your “friends”, ones to play video games, or to go out to eat with, movie day with the boys; but at the end of the day you go home and it’s just you, the dog, and the bird. No partner in crime, no one to help with the heavy lifting, no one to vent to, to take the world off your shoulders. You have placed yourself above needing that.

You say that is what you want, a partner; and you have had plenty of opportunities to find it, to have it, to put it in your pocket and call it yours. But time after time you push it away, finding the smallest flaws to be annoyed by, so you dont have to let people in, to let them close, just so you can have your heart broken when they leave. I mean lets face it everyone leaves, but that’s evolution.

I mean I needed to say goodbye. Goodbye to an us that never even existed. It never existed because you never would truly allow it. You always had to keep me at an arms reach so you could allow me to never break your heart. Instead, even as just your friend, you broke mine.