Finding The Me In Me

Sitting here at the therapist office waiting on my daughter and then off to the doctors office for her check-up.  Before we left the house, she asked if we were also going to the store so she could pick up a new balance ball.  If we were going to then she was going to return her pants.  Chauffeuring my daughter around has become one of my defining qualities of existance since we have moved here.

Good news for her we have quickly been able to get her all the assistance she has needed and in a few weeks she will be having surgery on her spine.  Then I will be able to add nurse maide to my defining qualities.  So when not tending to my daughter, which I am grateful I am capable to do, I am bookkeeper, chef, maide, dog walker, grocery shopper and anyone else I need to be. . .but me.

When my husband and I first met I was a communications specialist for an ambulance company.  During the sixteen years I was there I worked my way to be the Communications Manager.  I was known in the field, and throughout our company across the country.  That was probably the height of my career.  A time came when I didnt want to be held responsible for others, so I took a pay cut, and an obvious demotion and found employment at a casino.  I actually enjoyed the job because it was physically demanding and I probably got in the best shape I had been in for awhile.  I still had an identity of self away from my husband and my family.

Now since we have moved, I no longer feel a since of self. I am who the two people around me need me to be. I would love to maybe get a job, but with the daughters surgery and recovery time coming, at this point it would not be the right time.

My depression has been full blown, friends have came and went, as expected, and I don’t feel like I even exist. One day, one day, maybe I will find who I am, and find the worth that I know is me.