For the Second One

You are on my mind constantly. Don’t flatter yourself; because all I feel is sadness, disappointment, anger, resentment,. . .lonely. I always thought you were so full of life, adventure, courage, hope. I guess I saw what a mother is supposed to see in their children; what I wanted to see. . .NEEDED to see. Somewhere over the years you changed, and from what you say, or atleast tell me is; I am to blame. So let’s take a look at my faults. Let’s take a look and see how I made you the way you are now.

Born in November of 1995, I, along with the help of your dad, and both set of grandparents, I took care of you and your siblings. I was on my second abusive marriage and by 1998, I had four children all under the age of five. Around 2000 I became ill. Mentally ill, something I know you understand because you deal with your own mental illness. I known, that’s my fault too. But back to me, I became so lost in my own sickness I could not take care of myself, let alone you and your siblings. So I left you with people who I knew loved you and could take care of you.

So for the next two years, I endured my third abusive marriage, this one far worse than the two before. But in the end, I saved myself, did the work, and became the best version of me I could. During the next 18 years of your life, I did everything I could to make up for the two and ahalf, where I felt I dissappointed and hurt you, when I left you being well taken care of.

I understand that you can’t buy love or happiness, but I tried. Clothes, gifts, trips, adventures. But most importantly I showed up. I showed up to every wrestling match, most track events, helped you get your first vehicle so you could do these things. I got you braces, so kids would stop calling you names. We spent time enjoying 4H projects. I supported you in any and every thing you wanted to try or do. I drove to South Carolina for you, to Texas, to California, to Arizona and back again, because you needed me and wanted me with you. I was good enough then.

And now, I hear you tell me, if you ever have children I am not good enough to watch them. Why? Because I dissappointed you? I now suck as a mom, because of what you think you know I have done? So now I suck as a mom. Those are your words.

It literally breaks my heart, to know how you sit back and are so easy to judge everyone. Your siblings, me, your dad, your step-dad. Anyone who has ever let you down, dissappointed you, disrespected you. If people don’t meet your unreasonable standards, you throw them away. I know in your eyes, mamaw and pap can do wrong and that is great. I am hear to tell you we are all flawed, even you.

So the true tragedy will be when mamaw and papa are no longer with us, and Garrett has crossed the rainbow bridge, who is going to be left for you? You can’t keep pushing, blaming, and judging all of us and expect us to stay. I have more than fully paid back the two and ahalf years I took from you. The burden of your happiness now falls only to you, you and no one else. I have been disrespected by you more times than I can count, without any remorse or apology, and I am done. I am freeing myself of giving a shit if I am good enough for you, when you have become your own lifes disappointment. You might have your career path set, you have your friends, you have all the monetary, materialistic shit your heart desires. But don’t forget, do a welfare check on your soul and your character ever once in awhile. I am positive they feel neglected.

Love,

Your sucky mom.